...

This particular feeling was all too familar. The intention to wait to have a child becoming an accident that I could no longer have one. The intention to only make out with a boy the night before, but accidentally sleeping with him. The intention to move on, but accidentally staying frozen on the platform. "The choices of a naive child" i thought as the trains velocity blew my hair to my lips. my fingers brushing the strands away.
I silently mouthed the words "one-thirty-four" as i I began to walk. The number was my weight and It had been for many years now. I am not fully aware of when this became an aural automated responce to moments of mental boredom or self-ridicul. But it was my catalyst to thoughts of bettering my life, my situation. The number somehow had become my catapult to goal-making.

baby steps_let us begin

I purposely put the book beside me, in the empty seat. My eyes shifted with my body, at an attempt to disown it. Thoughts wandered to the woman who held a child across from me. The child seemed to hold the insight of the universe in her blank stare. "Peculiar child", i thought as the train's attendant called the next stop and i planted my feet to the floor. It stopped and I left, realizing noone called to me for the book I'd left. At that moment the intention became an accident and I stood with a tinge of regret.

My dream kitchen

I don't like to brag, but that's one sexy kitchen I designed.
Cheers to creative juices, love, and the people that promote it!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

you're SO awesome!

if i've ever felt so awesome, it's when my two girlfriends yelled it to me.  at this point i was upside down,similar to a handstand, but my hands were not on the floor. Through Ayns direction,  we managed to get me poised straight up, by shoulders only. I was floating, if only for a moment.and almost naturally my body bent backwards, the plants of her feet at my lower back. and again i floated.
....i have signed myself up for circus acrobats next weekend with ayn.. HAPPY 32nd BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

lets live forever please.

although i am not suicidal by any means, i think of dieing quite a bit. I've never written about this, because its only recently that I've realized my strange infatuation with it. There are several ways i think about it.
1. Daily Undergarment Dilemna: "If i get in a car wreck, the doctors will see my bra/panties aren't a matching set" This idiotic thought came from my mother as a way to insinuate that you should always be presentable , down to your undergarments. As I get older the thought has evolved to "why would i care, id be dead". So more often than not, my undergarments dont match now.

2. Evidence/Secrets come to Light. At a moment when todd and I decided to stop doing "so many" drugs many years ago, the question was "If we died, my parents would find a crack pipe in our belongings, and would be heart broken" We dont own one anymore, but have strange powdered substances in the freezer still.

3. Unfinished Business. I'd like to beleive everyone thinks about this one. "Business" can be defined anywhere from "spending time with the ones i love/family, etc" to " i wish i'd traveled more", "made more of my life" etc. this one i only think about in guilt. because i dont think it. Rather i feel a guilt for not thinkign it.. that in turn makes me wonder if i deserve to die more than someone else wo fears. Id argue with myself , that, the very reason i thin of it is beacuse i fear it. im not sure about this arguemtn yet.

4. It happens all the time: This comes when i watch the news or a televsion show and death happens. I think "somone is dieign right now, and the day i do die a girl across the earth will be writing in a blog, wtching a tv sow and searching for new music to post". it happens to everyone and will happen to me.

and as i write this, I silently think
5. i wonder if the universe think im calling its bluff? like im asking for it. Im realyl not. id hate to die right now. But if i do tomorrow, theres your lesson, to not look at death in such a curious way, stay away from even the idea of it. do not accept "its a part of life".

... and then i remember, its not death for ones self that we fear... but the death of the ones around us, the ones we love.