simple words from a simple girl

I've always thought my writing was "simple". I never use big words and I'd like to believe my sentences are usually coherent (enough).

The winner of this years "The Bad Writing Contest" was...

"Judith Butler, a Guggenheim Fellowship-winning professor of rhetoric and comparative literature at the University of California at Berkeley, admired as perhaps “one of the ten smartest people on the planet,” wrote the sentence that captured the contest’s first prize."

The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power.

WHAT!?!?!

..continued,

and as my fingers trailed my belly's skin my eyes lightly fluttered open and the lips of my husband pressed at mine. and a long smile crept over my face in relief. He was still here. Making dinner as a matter of fact.

A few things...

I've learned about myslef as of late.
1. I'm overly self concious of annoying someone in random conversation. I tend to speak about random things in a story-like fashion, but without a climax or punchline ending.

2. I don't do things for myself. I've been meaning to: get a massage, go relax at the russian bathouse, take a yoga class and finally of course a live model drawing class. I need to make a list of these. Priorities are a bit these days.

3. Grey hair. I have them now. A bit superficial, but they are a bit depressing. :)

4. I'm awesome. This may seem self consumed but for a person that has thought as herself as average, "nothing special", and "a dime a dozen" , its a big step for me in self "love". Not to be mis-communicated as a lack of confidence. This is a realization that I am who I am becuase of me, not because of luck or the people I surround myself with. I've made some of this, i've made some of "me" happen and I'm happy for the signs that have shown me this.

5. And bartendars seem to enjoy my conversation on slow wednesday nights.

Cheers

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

all is worth keeping

The idea of being abandoned is not a pleasant one. It's enough to make a kind person call the friends they cherish, hug the people they love, and pour their hearts out to the few they wouldnt be able to live without.
It can make a selfish person do the same.
Our office has been working on a secret project for an abandoned subway station. In the meantime I am enjoying the architectural and social moments of being deserted with an embrace.

..continued (short thought)

The goal tonight was a small one. Wash one load of dishes and one load of laundry within the first hour of arrriving home. With the habitual act of turning the key to my gate and the key to my front door,  the warmth of my home embraced me. Immediately thereafter, came the shedding process. The thoughts of washing dishes and doing laundry tossed to the floor with the very clothes I wore. The office work, the deadlines, the cold aura surrounding me left in a trail behind my naked body. ...

...

This particular feeling was all too familar. The intention to wait to have a child becoming an accident that I could no longer have one. The intention to only make out with a boy the night before, but accidentally sleeping with him. The intention to move on, but accidentally staying frozen on the platform. "The choices of a naive child" i thought as the trains velocity blew my hair to my lips. my fingers brushing the strands away.
I silently mouthed the words "one-thirty-four" as i I began to walk. The number was my weight and It had been for many years now. I am not fully aware of when this became an aural automated responce to moments of mental boredom or self-ridicul. But it was my catalyst to thoughts of bettering my life, my situation. The number somehow had become my catapult to goal-making.

baby steps_let us begin

I purposely put the book beside me, in the empty seat. My eyes shifted with my body, at an attempt to disown it. Thoughts wandered to the woman who held a child across from me. The child seemed to hold the insight of the universe in her blank stare. "Peculiar child", i thought as the train's attendant called the next stop and i planted my feet to the floor. It stopped and I left, realizing noone called to me for the book I'd left. At that moment the intention became an accident and I stood with a tinge of regret.

My dream kitchen

I don't like to brag, but that's one sexy kitchen I designed.
Cheers to creative juices, love, and the people that promote it!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

you're SO awesome!

if i've ever felt so awesome, it's when my two girlfriends yelled it to me.  at this point i was upside down,similar to a handstand, but my hands were not on the floor. Through Ayns direction,  we managed to get me poised straight up, by shoulders only. I was floating, if only for a moment.and almost naturally my body bent backwards, the plants of her feet at my lower back. and again i floated.
....i have signed myself up for circus acrobats next weekend with ayn.. HAPPY 32nd BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

lets live forever please.

although i am not suicidal by any means, i think of dieing quite a bit. I've never written about this, because its only recently that I've realized my strange infatuation with it. There are several ways i think about it.
1. Daily Undergarment Dilemna: "If i get in a car wreck, the doctors will see my bra/panties aren't a matching set" This idiotic thought came from my mother as a way to insinuate that you should always be presentable , down to your undergarments. As I get older the thought has evolved to "why would i care, id be dead". So more often than not, my undergarments dont match now.

2. Evidence/Secrets come to Light. At a moment when todd and I decided to stop doing "so many" drugs many years ago, the question was "If we died, my parents would find a crack pipe in our belongings, and would be heart broken" We dont own one anymore, but have strange powdered substances in the freezer still.

3. Unfinished Business. I'd like to beleive everyone thinks about this one. "Business" can be defined anywhere from "spending time with the ones i love/family, etc" to " i wish i'd traveled more", "made more of my life" etc. this one i only think about in guilt. because i dont think it. Rather i feel a guilt for not thinkign it.. that in turn makes me wonder if i deserve to die more than someone else wo fears. Id argue with myself , that, the very reason i thin of it is beacuse i fear it. im not sure about this arguemtn yet.

4. It happens all the time: This comes when i watch the news or a televsion show and death happens. I think "somone is dieign right now, and the day i do die a girl across the earth will be writing in a blog, wtching a tv sow and searching for new music to post". it happens to everyone and will happen to me.

and as i write this, I silently think
5. i wonder if the universe think im calling its bluff? like im asking for it. Im realyl not. id hate to die right now. But if i do tomorrow, theres your lesson, to not look at death in such a curious way, stay away from even the idea of it. do not accept "its a part of life".

... and then i remember, its not death for ones self that we fear... but the death of the ones around us, the ones we love.

dear friend of recognition

you know me too well
a slight movement tells you my story
shares with you my dreams
sings to you my every fear

you walk with knowledge of who i am
of what i want
of what i need

and when my sun feels the clouds
you hide behind the trees with me
joining me in my puddled water
breathing in my thickened air

you could walk in my shoes
and your step would be as mine.

i need to ...

start

NOW.

the wait is over.

and NOW is here.

good times.

the notion that emotions are contagious has never been so apparant to me. A small duration of the summer held a slumber for me. As it did for everyone around me. Im not sure who it started with, but it spread. And now with good cheer, we are all, as a group, in a good place again.

 

so raise your glass to the people around you that bring you to a higher place. You owe them at least that much.

 

note to self: smile + remember the yogurt.

 

FINALLY!!!

THE CHICKEN CO-OP WEBSITE!!!!
I will keep you all posted to our CBS two-seconds of fame!

not stealing...

... just borrowing an idea so i can build our living room pendant lamp.

http://www.voosfurniture.com/#/lighting/binder-light