looking back

i started sharing my thought online four years ago. first it was a "journal" then the blog. it was simply a way to write again. I'd stopped writing in my paper journals and thought it might be easier via blog/typing. Four years ago today i wrote this via Journal Home:

12/6/2006 - all down hill
well finished the most relevant final of the semester....STUDIO JURY.

this is where students present work to a panel of architects and they tell what you did right/wrong.

so after not sleeping for three nights, i present, and a big shot architect tells me my design represented mush. mush in the sense that i could not make a desicion on what i wantd my architecture to be. the other two jurors liked my desicions but said the project lacked conviction. so this was not a good jury, to say the least. very bad actually.

the problem: i was too aware of what other students were doing all semester and not allowing myslef to become my own architect. i am talented, i was 1/15 people accepted to this institute, so why the hell did i sell myself short?

common of me to do this, but usually i analyze and repair, so next semester i will enter with conviction!

nice to know in two semsters i will have a masters, i would have never thought.

its been a long time

..since i posted that song.
since the dent on my couch was made
since i pushed two keys for rewind

every intimate listen.
evey close aqcuaintance,
...i give it thanks
i give it my growth, my heart, my love

i give it every knowledge
every thought i knew
cause until it
it seems i knew nothing.

my ballerina's cave

my hand rested on her knee at a Bedford cafe
and we felt embraced by Silence
through the awkward moments and strange discomforts
the year had given us our love
"there are only a few people i share this dreary with" she said

realizing that we were in this together

get into my head please.
pull these thoughts out!
buy them steal them use them sell them
fucking take them!!
they make crazy
i lose myself

i...

blank.

simple words from a simple girl

I've always thought my writing was "simple". I never use big words and I'd like to believe my sentences are usually coherent (enough).

The winner of this years "The Bad Writing Contest" was...

"Judith Butler, a Guggenheim Fellowship-winning professor of rhetoric and comparative literature at the University of California at Berkeley, admired as perhaps “one of the ten smartest people on the planet,” wrote the sentence that captured the contest’s first prize."

The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power.

WHAT!?!?!

..continued,

and as my fingers trailed my belly's skin my eyes lightly fluttered open and the lips of my husband pressed at mine. and a long smile crept over my face in relief. He was still here. Making dinner as a matter of fact.

A few things...

I've learned about myslef as of late.
1. I'm overly self concious of annoying someone in random conversation. I tend to speak about random things in a story-like fashion, but without a climax or punchline ending.

2. I don't do things for myself. I've been meaning to: get a massage, go relax at the russian bathouse, take a yoga class and finally of course a live model drawing class. I need to make a list of these. Priorities are a bit these days.

3. Grey hair. I have them now. A bit superficial, but they are a bit depressing. :)

4. I'm awesome. This may seem self consumed but for a person that has thought as herself as average, "nothing special", and "a dime a dozen" , its a big step for me in self "love". Not to be mis-communicated as a lack of confidence. This is a realization that I am who I am becuase of me, not because of luck or the people I surround myself with. I've made some of this, i've made some of "me" happen and I'm happy for the signs that have shown me this.

5. And bartendars seem to enjoy my conversation on slow wednesday nights.

Cheers

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all is worth keeping

The idea of being abandoned is not a pleasant one. It's enough to make a kind person call the friends they cherish, hug the people they love, and pour their hearts out to the few they wouldnt be able to live without.
It can make a selfish person do the same.
Our office has been working on a secret project for an abandoned subway station. In the meantime I am enjoying the architectural and social moments of being deserted with an embrace.

..continued (short thought)

The goal tonight was a small one. Wash one load of dishes and one load of laundry within the first hour of arrriving home. With the habitual act of turning the key to my gate and the key to my front door,  the warmth of my home embraced me. Immediately thereafter, came the shedding process. The thoughts of washing dishes and doing laundry tossed to the floor with the very clothes I wore. The office work, the deadlines, the cold aura surrounding me left in a trail behind my naked body. ...

...

This particular feeling was all too familar. The intention to wait to have a child becoming an accident that I could no longer have one. The intention to only make out with a boy the night before, but accidentally sleeping with him. The intention to move on, but accidentally staying frozen on the platform. "The choices of a naive child" i thought as the trains velocity blew my hair to my lips. my fingers brushing the strands away.
I silently mouthed the words "one-thirty-four" as i I began to walk. The number was my weight and It had been for many years now. I am not fully aware of when this became an aural automated responce to moments of mental boredom or self-ridicul. But it was my catalyst to thoughts of bettering my life, my situation. The number somehow had become my catapult to goal-making.

baby steps_let us begin

I purposely put the book beside me, in the empty seat. My eyes shifted with my body, at an attempt to disown it. Thoughts wandered to the woman who held a child across from me. The child seemed to hold the insight of the universe in her blank stare. "Peculiar child", i thought as the train's attendant called the next stop and i planted my feet to the floor. It stopped and I left, realizing noone called to me for the book I'd left. At that moment the intention became an accident and I stood with a tinge of regret.

My dream kitchen

I don't like to brag, but that's one sexy kitchen I designed.
Cheers to creative juices, love, and the people that promote it!
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you're SO awesome!

if i've ever felt so awesome, it's when my two girlfriends yelled it to me.  at this point i was upside down,similar to a handstand, but my hands were not on the floor. Through Ayns direction,  we managed to get me poised straight up, by shoulders only. I was floating, if only for a moment.and almost naturally my body bent backwards, the plants of her feet at my lower back. and again i floated.
....i have signed myself up for circus acrobats next weekend with ayn.. HAPPY 32nd BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

lets live forever please.

although i am not suicidal by any means, i think of dieing quite a bit. I've never written about this, because its only recently that I've realized my strange infatuation with it. There are several ways i think about it.
1. Daily Undergarment Dilemna: "If i get in a car wreck, the doctors will see my bra/panties aren't a matching set" This idiotic thought came from my mother as a way to insinuate that you should always be presentable , down to your undergarments. As I get older the thought has evolved to "why would i care, id be dead". So more often than not, my undergarments dont match now.

2. Evidence/Secrets come to Light. At a moment when todd and I decided to stop doing "so many" drugs many years ago, the question was "If we died, my parents would find a crack pipe in our belongings, and would be heart broken" We dont own one anymore, but have strange powdered substances in the freezer still.

3. Unfinished Business. I'd like to beleive everyone thinks about this one. "Business" can be defined anywhere from "spending time with the ones i love/family, etc" to " i wish i'd traveled more", "made more of my life" etc. this one i only think about in guilt. because i dont think it. Rather i feel a guilt for not thinkign it.. that in turn makes me wonder if i deserve to die more than someone else wo fears. Id argue with myself , that, the very reason i thin of it is beacuse i fear it. im not sure about this arguemtn yet.

4. It happens all the time: This comes when i watch the news or a televsion show and death happens. I think "somone is dieign right now, and the day i do die a girl across the earth will be writing in a blog, wtching a tv sow and searching for new music to post". it happens to everyone and will happen to me.

and as i write this, I silently think
5. i wonder if the universe think im calling its bluff? like im asking for it. Im realyl not. id hate to die right now. But if i do tomorrow, theres your lesson, to not look at death in such a curious way, stay away from even the idea of it. do not accept "its a part of life".

... and then i remember, its not death for ones self that we fear... but the death of the ones around us, the ones we love.

dear friend of recognition

you know me too well
a slight movement tells you my story
shares with you my dreams
sings to you my every fear

you walk with knowledge of who i am
of what i want
of what i need

and when my sun feels the clouds
you hide behind the trees with me
joining me in my puddled water
breathing in my thickened air

you could walk in my shoes
and your step would be as mine.

i need to ...

start

NOW.

the wait is over.

and NOW is here.

good times.

the notion that emotions are contagious has never been so apparant to me. A small duration of the summer held a slumber for me. As it did for everyone around me. Im not sure who it started with, but it spread. And now with good cheer, we are all, as a group, in a good place again.

 

so raise your glass to the people around you that bring you to a higher place. You owe them at least that much.

 

note to self: smile + remember the yogurt.

 

FINALLY!!!

THE CHICKEN CO-OP WEBSITE!!!!
I will keep you all posted to our CBS two-seconds of fame!

not stealing...

... just borrowing an idea so i can build our living room pendant lamp.

http://www.voosfurniture.com/#/lighting/binder-light 

To the unforgotten

I felt a familiar connection to him, like a brother. Sure, I once had a crush on him, but that passed with endearment. He was so beautiful. Wickedly charming, and naturally warm.
"Thanks for coming" he'd tell me when I'd make the drive out to huntsville.
I knew the value of his thanks. That alone, made the sadness I felt leaving him there bearable.
I suppose there is a certain romanticising who he was. He didn't make it passed the age where his actions were unacceptable and lame. Young and rebellious and lost. He died that way.
I've always liked to think that he meant to die, in a drug induced euphoric state perhaps. That at that moment, he was at peace with himself.

Happy birthday Mario.
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night terror

One of those things that I always seem to underestimate. Its illogical that I do, since I don't take my vivid and very lucid dreams for granted.
This time the man in black came at me. Gun in pocket and head down. Pushing me against the roll down store gate and pulls the trigger. It happens rather quickly and The fear is as real as the joy or passion I feel in better dreams. . I wake up in a cold sweat and the feeling that someone just used my stomach as a punching bag. And my naseau rises with the short breath and spins.
Toss
Run
Puke

Fucking dreams, sometimes they're just cruel.
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sappy susy

bah.. the idea of going home has got me all upside down in emotions. i love nyc. but i love my family. my familia alanis. the pride i feel knowing i belong to such a loving family. such a happy family. my parents did something beautiful in raising us. all different, but all loving, all holding this unconditional love for the ones let into our lives.
im not bragging, but counting my blessings as i realize that i am dearly loved by so many and that i can love them all in return.

count to three

the point of decision can be a scary place.
not making one soon enough is scarier.

im petrified at the moment.

Yo! Short stuff!

Its something I've always enjoyed. Being small. My legs stil dangle off chairs, as they did off the blue plastic chairs in gradeschool. And the smell of my hair is more often smelled than my neck, that's the reason I sprtiz the top of my scalp with my favorite fragrances. My mom taught me that. then there's the knowledge that noone will take my harsh words seirously, but take my smiles ten fold.

Cheers to being small and being me.
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Limbo

at the will of the seeker

its weighed by simple questions

standing in dark shadows

patiently it awaits my calm

 

pounce, scratch, bite

it begs for my confession

at tooth and nail

i crawl away

 

... knowing it will come again.

 

 

 

Voila! the boom box.

Finally had the time to minimally color edit the emages of the stereo credenza. i think its hot!!!

 

AND... it allows our office to jam out!

buck up

he asked me if i had a good cry over it
i dont cry about these things i responded
i repeated these words to myself as i wept
the beige pillow stained with eye make-up

i told myself again, like id told myself before
buck up and move the fuck on.

sometimes, i talk a big talk
but i forget how small i really am

love note

there's a love note that begs to be written, spoken and confessed. it lingers at the tip of my tongue and it dances at the weight of my feet. It comes and goes from hiding, but ceases to not exist. its a pesky thing, taunting me with its trips to nowhere land, that place of denial.

hmmm...

in looking and trying to hang old artwork (to inspire/remind myself that i may be slightly talented) i found one that had this scribbled behind it.

"Poor little people they run in shame
They play about the candle flame
and to my sweet satisfaction
they continue with their paltry action"

Now I'm not sure what this meant. I have an idea, because, well, its pretty shallow, but i was sixteen when i wrote it. I dont remember writing it. or thinking it up. i dont remember beig this person or even remembering using hte word paltry (must have synonymed it, when i thought simple words couldnt be as eloquent).

Above all, and simply, I like that I wrote it and that I still have it.
cheers to saving a few things here and there.

a bit manic these days

the feeling of being unproductive. my new apartment not quite feeling like home, my paintings being washed away after 2 days of exploration, unhung mirrors, unframed art, and a dart board that cant seem to stay on the wall. And lets not forget the sour moods that my dear todd (that he does not deserve) has endured as of recent, and then there's the couple of pounds that have crept on me, and finally, having moments of inadequacies at work. Everyone has their insecurities, so I don't dwell on mine. They are no more or less than any other persons, but I have them and mine are all i know.
I can "play" happy really well, because in the end, i wouldn't give my life up for anyone elses. i love my life and the people in it, but its hard work being happy all the time. todd asks "where is my happy susy, you haven't told me a susy story today". he says this when he sees a slight blank look on my face. he knows my eyes will brighten at telling a random, irrelevant story.

Camping

Image taken as I waited for my fellow campers to return from a trip for ice... :) I do love the hiking, the wood gathering, the well-earned exhausted napping.....with todd the most.
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fuck shit stack! hoot!

thursday!
after sadly (completely forgot) missing gil scott heron on sunday.

then, camping!!! need a breath of fresh air.. and cool lakes.
happy 4th of july weekend.

so sleepy

these waves, these surges, they lurk at my backside,
brushing my hair aside to push me
to lunge at me, its invisible shoulders
how brute it can be, my pulse slows
...
tbc

Her name, my gift

The night seems to gather us slowly
this dancers body, it tip toes at my collar bone
And the hammock that squeeks at constant tone awakens us
Laying its breathe of wisdom
"a reflection of you" she says
the stillest airs reframe her girlish meows
Sweet smiles and touchings while the blurs of dreams devour us.
Her name is anneka and this day I know I love her.
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:)

I like the accidental show of my orange bag, perfectly placed on the director's chair. hehehe

I do enjoy my job.

 

happy summer rant

The first day of summer starts with an awesome last day of spring. This summer, like all other summers is about love, sweat, and skin. Join me and all the other happy people, because its so much nicer on our side of the tracks.

too-many-single-girlfriends Syndrome

The lack of being surrounded by so much family, has forced me, it seems, to make more friends. And in hte recent months I have felt like I belong in a season of Sex And The City. The girlfriend brunching, the girlfriend drama, the girl-girl flirting, and all the girly things that go along with a group of girls.
A few things I've learned:
1. Being the only married one, my standards for being married are changing more to a dating scenerio. Quite peculiar phase he and I are embarking on.
2. Drama doesnt touch me and I seem to be the glue.
3. Breasts are fondled amongst girls.. alot.

I like that ive never experienced this before.. the whole girl group thing. Not for any other reason than the fact that its new to me.

spiritually transcendic

she could feel the betrayal of her memories. they were fading, being cruel to her as they floated away on their light ghostly feet. the tap of her own foot at the cafe's barstool, euphonic to the beat of Ray Charles soulful voice in the background.

She sat for a moment, eyes calmly closed as the light found its ways through her lids, forming that alternate moment. She'd go into a dream state and his smell would surround her.

 

note: im not sure why my writing is taking on this narrative "scheme". im not sure i like it. all seeming unresolved in their agenda. the word filament is still very obvious.. as they seem to be snippets of a longer story. before, it was comforting that my writings were snippets of my life, feelings, and fantasies.. but these seem to be more about the moments of a character that i want to meet.

Girl on a train

She wasn't much of a reader but she'd read the books he gave her... As if trying to find a clue to his psyche. Or to simply feel closer to him. To touch the pages he'd once touched before.
She'd read the words with a warm feeling at her stomach and memories of their shared meals would surface, lingering the train car's air.
At the last page, she'd close it knowing it was over, again. And through the bustle she'd leave the book under the lonely newspaper next to her.
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endearing privacies in the nude

yea.. that time.. you remember?
we'd just made love for the first time
silently kissing as i lay over you, one leg hung over the edge of your twin sized bed. Nine Inch Nails was playing and my new love for the song Reptile emerged.

"you wanted to slow dance, that was cute"

yea.. I think i wanted to be closer to you even still. and I think i felt awkward. It was new to me. I felt like a child.

"i fell in love with your feet that day"

yea...i always hated my feet until you loved them. Thought they were fat.

"my ordinary girl, you were always so ordinary"

yea, and you were always such an asshole.

how YOU doin'?

the wind kicked my ass on the bridge today, but as I walked into the office, sweaty and huffing, my boss greeted me with this tune, a huge smile, and the new office Ipad.

*knock on wood* as i count my blessings.

Cheers to perfect sundays.

her eyes teared when the words left her lips
And it was the first time i felt like killing a man i never knew. That i felt like cracking his head open with the butt of my rifle. the need to truely watch him bleed, motionless.
We sipped our beers in the heat, under slow spinning fans, and the sweat from our legs made us "stick". It was the first time we held hands under a table, silently, almost secretly.
I'm always the last to know how much someone means to me, moreso, what i mean to them.

Sexy...

If I say so myself... Designed by yours truly :)
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untitled

it snuggles up next to me like a dear friend

comforting me as my stomache turns

a tumbling ball of unkept promises

i can hear the zipper at the rim

its chance to wake my living dream

8 & 10

the question that circulated the room made its way to me "how happy are you, scale 1 to 10.. now and in general?" It was a wonderful question.
A handsome NY orcehstra flutest in an untied bowtie stood next to me, the man from Peru that molded the sterling silver flute stood on my other side and a Spanish trombone player named Katerina stood in front of me. Across the room was a ballet dancer who stood with a painter. And then i realized that I was the architet who was married to the wine connoissieur, who was flirting with the restaurant owner outside.
I would have answered the same if not in the same company, but it was a bit surreal nonetheless to be surrounded by such talent and beauty and love.

High Residence Co-op

The chicken have their home. :)

Daytrip Getaway #1

My friends and I have vowed to take at least one city escape a month.. at least.

 

Rules of engagements are:

smoke alot of pot

hold hands on a stroll with each of one of our friends

eat like children

bring a buddy (if our other halfs cant make it)

 

i think we'll add more "rules" as we go.

Storm King Art Center : Please note that no video or pictures do this place justice as you can't get the whole thing into one photograph... its huge! and absolutely wonderful.

false transactions

hold your head high
truth wont set you free
bring your words forth
jump the plank you want to fall off
cut the wrist you dream of,
slash the throat you speak of
it's all the same to false ones

The Kontraptionist

The Kontraptionist, who is milling the high end residential chicken co-op mentioned our "sweet" chicken coop on his blog. The chickens will finally have a home on Monday! :)

green and good

Teamlove Green Summer Initiative:
1. Furniture: used or self-built only
2. Clothes: Purchased and waiting for the delivery of WonderWash and dryer
3. Juice More (we have the counter space again!)
4. Ride bike to work (no-rain permitting)
5. Grow our own herbs again (so kitchy ;)
6. Continue to wear (mostly) cotton clothing only
7. Eat more watermelon ;)

I feel good about decisions that seem to be rooting us to brooklyn more and more.

hehehe.. happy monday!

such a great moment in the movie.

shiny sounds

my grin spreads to my ears as the crack at the bench begins to hand me the key to his heart. I snatch it, carressing the splinters it once touched. my fingers stroke, molding its perfecet shape to lay my ear on. my body bends to it.. what a perfect sound, my lover.

homesick.

i stood there with mudded legs, matted wet hair and part of my pink and white dress clentched into a fist. The blood was showing through my small hands as he yanked my secret free.
my toes curled the water gathered in my jellies. and the red carpet absorbed my drips softly. I could feel me mothers warmth against my fathers scorn, and my brothers fingers curling into one of mine. my breath kept me statued and my chewing lips kept me from crying as i felt the sting at my stomach.

i miss the fence that cut my belly that rainy day. and the ache it brought me.

the monster: that of procrastination.

to begin to stop something.
to stop something to begin something else.
to begin to begin, but never actually starting.
it can be never-ending, never starting.

i noticed...

a few things today:
1. the cloudy day made everyone at the coffee house sleepy (after small talk with my barista guy and ms.jenny next to me)...which brings me to the next one...
2. I truely do enjoy meeting strangers (i have been warned about the dangers of this)
3. biking in nyc is exhilerating (i am addicted)
4. and finally... people always seem to be "camping" at the G train (lovely couples tonight).

good night. :)

dear brother

an old one
a new one
and the one that lived years ago.

I recall when my parents were younger. I liked them that way. Strong. Healthy. Willed.
our flaws held no reprucussions and duties were far between.
but as change prevails with time, unwanted truths are sure to follow

i wish that werent our reality.

well-deserved reviews :)

previously I posted about a short film called "Unlocked" by Daryl Wein. NOW he stars in the new film BREAKING UPWARDS and its getting great reviews! it's opening up this weekend.. so if your city has it avaialble. go see it! im sure it'll be great!

and note that that the star of his film Unlocked, Olivia Thirlby, also appears in this film.. yay! :)

Twisted, bright, and full of joy

Snippet thoughts

The crowd is good and happy
My lips are wording the phrase
"You found it"
"You found it, there"
And my smile into memories warms their presence before me.
Love
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facts

easy breezy.
I dont get angry often. I pout sometimes and throw tantrums when i dont get my way. i usually do. BUT sometimes it seems the universe tests me. And I am a true believer that i have control of my surroundings. So there must be a negative energy I am giving off, because I sincerely have had a horrible week and a half.
So breathe with me and remember.

susy fact #1: bad days always remind me of a book i read in gradeschool: Alexander and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

back to complex numbers

unpacking i rediscovered my abstract algebra textbook. Funny thing, it doesnt sound diffcult, "abstract algebra", but its not for the light-minded either.
So I began reading it, unlike I had during my math degree..which was in a hurry, fully-frustrated, exhausted, and almost angry state of mind.
Makes me feel smart and stupid at the same time.
i used to think that contradicting emotions were unhealthy, now i think that some subject matters demand it for the sake of appreciation.

spring showers in BK

my heart beats slower under water, there is no such thing as quick bath, and having one in the kitchen is highly recommended.

i miss the kitchen tub.

endearing choke

at approximately 8:07am the wind blew my scarf, I pulled it lightly to distress instant suffocation. yank, adjust, pull... pull.. yank!..a twist of my head. my hair tangled in my coats collar. a mess of fabrics. Intentions to remain calm psychotically bullied into a short-breathed frenzy.
i gasped for air as i look up at the ornate building facades, my black umbrella on the ground, the scarf wrapped tight at my fist. i cursed the skies at center sidewalk. and for only a moment i wished id pulled the scarf the other way... done.. done DONE!
bumped, to regain my breath.
and one footstep returned me to my equilibrium.

non-threat-existence

There's a glare that is pronounced at moments when i enjoy the sun. Looking away for a moment helps... but sometimes a tip of the head, a fall of some hair, fractures the suns gleam enough to keep my eyes steady and ahead.

and there...

there...

hold that spectrum still... take me into that place where my skin melts and my therapy exceeds the hour. simply takes my gravity. steals my soul and blinds my daily woes.

everything... everything exists there and forever will... my colorful spectrum.

thievery

my toe pricks the puddle that stands so still

a subtle touch, a ripple in macrodimension 

a single sway of thigh, a thunderous wave

our floor unsettled, it shifts with beauty

unbalanced, my toes grip the stone

feel the thoughts that flutter by me

familiar, they calm my body

carress my cheek, heat my bones

...

,,,

hyper stylized

entertain me

i can shuffle my coins to tease  you

lick at my lips and uncross my legs

be  your hard core groupie

be your blow addict skank

so entertain me

let me exceed my potential

fun!

Rendering real-life architecture was nice for a bit, but playing with pretty shapes and stuff that will never exist is fun too.

rain me ...

into a puddle with you
let the drops form your hands
and the cold hold me still

pour me into your drowning terms
into the mud that forms below me
statued forever into earth
your silk my eternal day

Fresh Start Day

Jealousy and insecurities have never been a large part of my being. I would lieing to say I never felt them, but last night was something different. A monster surfaced and took no prisoners. and needless to say, humility followed thereafter and this morning. It's a sickening feeling. A wad at the pit of my stomach feels like rising to hurl of self disgust.

and so today has been claimed "Fresh Start".
So let us start anew. Let me start my truth again.

lost without...

...returning with creations of my own... soon.

a decision

...has been made

This will be the last post.
It has been a great pleasure sharing with you all.
Susandia has been my unconditional companion and has relatively kept me sane, if not made me crazier at times, but all is interchangeable in these terms.



I miss her already...

Nowhere Feather

Dreaming that I awake on my parents bed.
I lay, my eye catches the ceiling vent; a feather falls throught it. It floats down, beautifully with a sway and i watch it with a smile. my finger catches it, feeling its delicacy, its peculiar engineering.
A slight pause...enjoying..examining..
I look up for more Nowhere Feathers. Two more fall. I welcome them, leaning up to catch them. Like a snow I'd never felt, they kiss my face. my soft smile to a happy giggle.
Faster... the flurry of Nowhere Feathers pushing themselves out of the vent. Swimming in the bed of softness, in puddle of "leaves" my body stretching capturing them all. My joyous laughter as my palms grip at them.
a flicker of reality pricks at my fingertip when i dont feel the bed under me.
...
Searching, digging, nothing. Just feathers. The panic of the realization.. A sudden short breath as i watch them stuff past the vent. My small body suddenly seeming what it truely is, small, fragile and without escape. With suffocating resistance i stand, waste deep, climbing the very mountain. My fingers tipping the vents latch.. reaching, stretching as the Nowhere Feathers stick at my lips.
Where are they all coming from.. stop.
my mind pleads!

i wake up in a panic as my sister comes to my rescue.

beautiful life vs stubborn soul

as he let me into his home, as the notes and the keys played behind me.
as my feet float across his wooden floors i hear his words "i would keep nothing from you".
Like a dream i move, a slight fantasy, ending with the leaves so pleasant.

i should have told him what it all meant,
but then it wouldn't be mine.
it wouldn't be me.

inspired

if it doesnt take designing a chicken coop to inspire me, im not sure what will.
A client, an animal friendly client, has asked us to design a chicken coop. Having raised chicekens as a kid, as a family, I can recall the annoyances that can be associated with chicken shit and catching one for the butcher block :).
SO attacking this "project" with a practical sense is exciting.
not to mention the fact that this guy lives in the city! and i think i can really get some other friends to invest in their own free range hen-house. :)

Furthermore, its kind of given me a mission statement (that ive been struggling with) for MIRA. Not the coop neccessarily, but the begining of a vision.

the lease

We've lived our lives...lived our marraige by the terms of a leases and Education.
Lease 1, One Year: GOAL - party till we drop. no posessions, no bills. Work, do drugs and party.
Lease 2, One Year: GOAL - buy furniture, go back to school and quit drugs.
Lease 3, Five Years: GOAL - Remodel House we bought, finish bachelor of architecture,
Lease 4, Two Years: GOAL - Receive a Masters Degree
Lease 5, One Year: GOAL - Gain field and work experience, enjoy the city.
Lease 6, Non-Existant: And this is where the problem occurs. Without a commitment to stay, we have the option to leave. I dont do well with that.

I need a deadline, a goal, a decision.

PetNames

Besides the first dog I can remember, I was the one given the task of naming our pets.
CHINA- a fluffy white puppy given to us by my Aunt Anita was "put out of her misery by shot gun" after exuberantly following my brother as he cleaned the garage. A child's car seat hooked to wall fell on her head. It was not pleasant.
IVY- Albino Ferret that made it through our house burning down, finding him in the old chicken coop in the back. Later he escaped from our new house and was mistaken for a rat in the neighborhood and beaten with a baseball bat. OH! but he survived, without a tail so his balance was always slightly off thereafter.
STOLI- First Pit Bull we owned. He was great but was stolen one night. I think my dad's shot gun to scare the thieves off kind of assisted in the dog running towards them more.
CLEO- My first pet tree frog. I even enjoyed gathering crickets from the back alleys of large buildings for her. Me accidentally killing her under a pile of shoes was a bit more hurtful I'd like to admit a frog would cause.
SKILLET- The last dog. Cause my brother used to say home-skillet alot. and i got uncreative and uninterested at the age of 19.

Now we own a cat named Brain which I think Todd did for us. So I think i have relinquished that responsibility. :)

OH! but not a petname.. but i am proud to have chosen my nephews name most recently.
Drum Roll Please... Lucas Alexander Cortez. Well I cant take credit for the last name. If i say so myself, that's a regal name indeed.

-Susandia was named after her father's ex-girlfriend.

perfect

the smell of burning hair is always so distinct.

that's all i have to say about that.

sunny satisfaction

"there you are..." said the LostBoy to Peter Pan.

I could have smiled straight at the sun today with the same welcome...
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

rewind [dreamy feelings]

Im not who i used to be, i told him
without apology and without remorse
as he looked at me with begging eyes
for my reversal, for my rewind

a decade of time we celebrate
almost in a daze of liquid love
in a state of blurry situations
with our stroking hair familiar

each pass a line in my geography
cupped by hands and wrapped by legs
a breathless gasp deleting fog
as i return to true consciousness

waves

they come in slow and with beauty
then with the taste of lemon rinds.
smacking my tongue,
a dry sock filled with wet sand
heavy
uncomfortable
and well deserved

resolution

i'll write them, so hopefully ill keep them :)

1. go down to working a true 8 hour work-day (including lunch)
2. save up for a trip to Electic Picnic. inspired by miss hannigan :)


id make a resolution to lose weight and get fit and all that..but this year, ill just consider that DONE by action.

holiday's last days

as the holiday season officaly comes to an end and i never wrote a proper end of year/new year entry, i'll simply recall the most recent brilliant memory i will hold dear for years to come.
My dear nichole took her first dance with her new husband.
"it is lovely...Love" her mother said, as we both stood watching. she embraced me in a way that her daughter had so many times. Such truth, love and care it held.
her contagious warmth reached my soul as i remembered what inner-peace felt like.

crystal-clear inner-peace... cheers to that for 2010.